clarification

"You're buying a house?" "What's happening on the farm?" "Who's that guy?"

These and many more questions have been coming up as I posted that Adam and I are buying a house in Bellingham. We started looking in July and found our dream home a few weeks ago on Bellingham's South Hill.

look at this beauty!

It's a 125 year old 4 bedroom/1 bath house that's seen better days. The surrounding houses have been much better maintained and looked after and while people kept "our" house from falling down they didn't update or change much of anything in the last 50+ years.

Very old doorbell and antique stove included!

The location is ideal as it's a few blocks from our work and only two blocks down and one block over from our current apartment — moving should be a snap! (Hah!)

Right now we're waiting for inspections and final approval from the bank and we're set to close the beginning of December. We're under the impression that a lot of things are "wrong" with the house right now — plaster and lath walls, old wiring, sketchy linoleum throughout covering hardwood floors. I did a bit of crawlspace spelunking and everything looked fairly sound (not that I know what I'm looking at/for). A new foundation was added 30 or fewer years ago making it more stable than similarly aged houses in the area.

my crawlspace outfit

In a funny twist of fate I stayed in Bellingham mostly because of Adam and now we're buying a house that's of similar vintage to the farm. I will miss out on having a lot more land (our lot is very very small) for chickens and goats, no barn, no shop, no greenhouse. I will, however, get to stay in one of the most beautiful places to live in a great neighborhood with slightly better access to independent films and great coffee.

We made the decision to start looking for a house when I realized that the things I'm most interested in: DIY projects, chickens, entertaining and the like were nearly impossible to accomplish in our meager 400 sq ft apartment. I want to host a dinner party for 6? Great, two people can sit on the couch.

We already have some initial projects in mind but in general we're going to give the place a good cleaning (it really needs it), refinish the floors, do some painting, and move in. We're excited to be able to host a few more people and enjoy having a room *each* to ourselves — mine for writing, sewing, calligraphy, whatever, and Adam for his computer-ing. We're also thrilled to hopefully have a guest room for visiting friends and family (get in the queue now!).

This house will undoubtably challenge us everyday. It will stretch and strain our relationship with each other, our families, and ourselves but in the end I think it will be a great amount of fun and well worth the struggle.

A huge list is forming in my mind of the things I'm most looking forward to in the new house. Here are a few highlights:

1. Our fridge will be on the same floor as our kitchen. Right now the large fridge is in the garage below our apartment. Hulking Sunday dinner ingredients up and down the stairs is no good.
2. Not living above a garage.
3. Not having to park 1/2 block away, up a giant hill. I cannot stress how nice it will be not to have to text Adam to come meet me in the alley to do a Chinese fire drill to get groceries into the house.
4. Having a small garden and a few chickens. I won't have to entirely give up my dream of having a few egg-layers around. I will have to drastically downsize my chicken palace I designed.
5. PROJECTS. I'm a bit of a busybody, more so than even I realized before I moved in with Adam. I definitely have weekends where I just want to watch Scandal in my pajamas and eat pasta but more often than not I want bake pies and go for long walks and shop and clean and explore new things. Having the space and unlimited area to play around with will be incredible.

So what am I doing right now? I'm watching This Old House, and trying to curb my anxiety of course.

Another update to come after inspections — wish us luck!

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#IStandWithPP

if you do not, and don't want to read a huge rant, do not proceed.

I've debating writing this post for a very long time. As soon as a month ago, when the ridiculous, fake videos came out claiming that  Planned Parenthood sells the parts of aborted fetuses for profit I thought about ladysplaining the facts but I realized that issue was one of those — you either get it or you don't and never will — sort of things.

But last Friday another thing happened. The house voted to defund Planned Parenthood and if that bill doesn't pass, they will shut down the government.

From Al Jazeera America:

Rep. Mick Mulvaney, R-S.C., has been circulating a letter, co-signed so far by 31 of his House Republican colleagues, emphasizing that they will not support any funding legislation that includes federal money for Planned Parenthood. 

“It is imperative that Congress do everything within its power to investigate these reports and take immediate action to stop them,” the letter read. “In the meantime, we must act to fully defund Planned Parenthood. Please know that we cannot and will not support any funding resolution — an appropriations bill, an omnibus package, a continuing resolution or otherwise — that contains any funding for Planned Parenthood, including mandatory funding streams.”

Who are these people? Literally, who are they? And moreover, how dare they.

What congress has done is shameful. Planned Parenthood is one of the greatest assets to family planning women (and thereby men) have access to. They help millions of people a year (2.7 million according to their 2013 annual report) and most of those people are poor. They provide pap smears, STI screening and breast exams and save thousands upon thousands of women from death from cancer and harmful effects of other diseases. They allow women of all backgrounds to control their reproductive lives by providing them with free or reduced cost birth control.

From a blog post by Robert Reich, former Secretary of Labor under President Clinton:

The prestigious New England Journal of Medicine calls Planned Parenthood’s contraception services one of “the single greatest effort[s] to prevent the unwanted pregnancies that result in abortions.” 

Planned Parenthood’s services are particularly important to poor and lower-income women. At least 78 percent of its patients have incomes at or below 150 percent of the federal poverty level.

Who will pick up the slack if Planned Parenthood is defunded? Who will open their doors to millions of people in desperate need of inexpensive or free care?

A large part of the overarching conversation taking place focuses on Planned Parenthood providing abortion services — whether or not abortion makes people uncomfortable it's legal. Whether it's 3% of their services or 30% they are provided a legal and very much needed service.

According to the World Health Organization:

• 21.6 million women experience an unsafe abortion worldwide each year; 18.5 million of these occur in developing countries
• 47,000 women die from complications of unsafe abortion each year.
• Deaths due to unsafe abortion remain close to 13% of all maternal deaths.

Do we really want to join those appalling statistics of maternal death due to unsafe abortions? Do we wish to return to the time before Roe? "In 1930, abortion was listed as the official cause of death for almost 2,700 women—nearly one-fifth (18%) of maternal deaths recorded in that year."

I for one would love to move towards abortion being unnecessary (while still very much a choice!) because women have ready access to information, contraception, and supportive partners — not because some rich old white guy thinks they're unfortunate.

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With that, I give you what I am doing tonight to aid in this effort, contacting my congressional Representative, Rick Larsen, to tell him I support his vote to continue funding Planned Parenthood and how important this issue is to continue fighting.

You may find your representative and information to contact them here. Eastern Washington friends note that Cathy McMorris Rodgers voted to defund and she's up for re-election in 2016!

To see how the representative for your district voted see this roll call list from last Friday.

You can find out ways to stand with Planned Parenthood here.

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And finally, my letter I will be sending to Rick Larsen tonight:

Dear Congressman Larsen,

First of all, thank you for voting against defunding Planned Parenthood and letting congress know you do not stand with their decision to let politics come before millions of American's health. 

I find what Republicans and other members of congress are doing right now to pull back on women's reproductive rights shameful and repugnant. I am only 25 but already feel as though my rights are dwindling by the day. What will the rights of my children be? What will their access to reproductive care look like?

As you know, without Planned Parenthood's services millions will go without access to affordable STI screenings, pap smears, and cancer screenings. In addition, I would prefer not to transcend into the time before Roe v. Wade when up to 18% of maternal deaths were caused by unsafe abortion practices. Who will fill this gap, if Planned Parenthood is without federal funding? I for one am worried Congressman.

Please continue to stand up for my rights and the rights of everyone in Washington. We need Planned Parenthood, whether or not Representatives like Mick Mulvaney think so, and we must fight those who disagree.

Thank you, Congressman Larsen, and good luck out there! 

Best,
emily 
Emily Howard
Bellingham, Washington

on running & baking

I've developed two seemingly disparate obsessions as of late: running & pie making.

If you know me, at all, even a tiny bit, you know that I am the anti-athlete. I organized boycotts of the high-jump and the mile run in middle school. I took "lifetime fitness" classes in high school — consisting of walking for 45 minutes and then watching Lifetime films about bulimia. In college I couldn't be bothered to walk across campus from my job, instead taking the bus or riding my scooter as close to class as I could get.

So now, at 25, why do I take up running — why not?

Running has always seemed nice. People gracefully covering mile after mile with their lithe bodies and fancy footwear. I've tried running (more like a slow jog) many times, forcing my awkward, heavy body to heave forward, mentally committing to making it to the next tree or mailbox or whatever. I've run approximately 3 miles total in my lifetime. I've never run more than a city block uninterrupted.

I began by journey, as most do, by deciding it was a bad idea and talking myself out of it. I'm so short, my legs are thick and unwieldily even at a brisk walk, PEOPLE WILL SEE ME. And then I thought better of it. Though I'm, for all intents and purposes, fairly happy with my body it wouldn't hurt to shed a few cumbersome pounds and running might just be my ticket to achieving this goal.

I then embarked on finding some magical, 21st century tool to aid in my adventure. I selected an app I'd heard about through friends and blogs — Couch to 5k. I have the couch part covered so I figured they could assist in the 5k part. And I was right!

The app has a handy interface that shows what the work out will by like at the top, how much time has elapsed, your current activity (center) and how much time remains (right). I clung to the reading in the center for dear life — RUN FOR 60 SECONDS IN A ROW?!

 My first run was... interesting... I didn't realize that I would cover roughly two miles in 10 minutes of warm up/cool down walking, 8 rounds of  60 seconds runs and alternating 8 rounds of 90 second walks. The hill I live on is large, and very very steep but not very wide. I ran to the right, then back to the left, then across the street, down the block, up the block, back and forth and back and forth before I was finished. I also ran mid-day in the full sun which was disgusting. I returned sweaty and irritated but proud that I had moved my body for 30 minutes.

I ran on Sunday, then again Tuesday, then Wednesday and Friday. I actually ran an extra time for the week than is prescribed in the program (you can just go back to a previous workout and overwrite it). I got up at 6:00am to go outside — WUT? I felt great, I had amazing energy at work and actually slept quite well, something that majorly eludes me normally.

 Let's not sugar coat it, it sucks. It sucks so much. I'm slow and still very awkward. And running even 60 seconds takes a lot of my mental strength not to give up and crawl home.

The many faces of my week one regret:

On my last run I smashed my foot into a raised section of sidewalk, almost fell and tweaked my ankle/pride in the process. I kept going but wondered if perhaps I'd shattered a bone in my foot and could get away with giving up, possibly forever. I wasn't so lucky.

Will I actually run a 5k — doubtful. But I plan to see this 9 week program through and maybe I'll find some enjoyment in what I'm doing at some point. I do know that without Salt-N-Pepa and Wreckx-N-Effect I would have given up long ago.

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Now, pie baking, what's that all about?

Well first of all, since moving in with Adam I have a huge kitchen for our tiny apartment. We have a 6'x4' aluminum topped island to roll out pasta dough, lay out and prep ingredients for salad, assemble elaborate lasagnas — the culinary world is now my oyster in a way my old apartment never allowed.

With all this space has come new obsessions: freshly made pasta, raviolis, homemade sauces, baking and mixing and blending galore. The next logical step was to delve into more precise baking than my haphazard crisps and biscuits. Enter, the pie.

I grew up eating pies. Lots and lots and lots of pies. My grandmother, Mary Mae, was also a bit pie obsessed. Thanksgiving was not complete without 4, 5, 6 or 7 handmade pies for our meager 11 or so person crowd. We aimed for a 2:1 person:pie ratio at most events and holidays. 

She didn't discriminate in her baking, all types of pie received equal treatment: tart apples, cherries, strawberry, pumpkin, pecan, and rhubarb, so much rhubarb. As a kid I had no patience for its sour, strange flavor invading my desserts. All that changed earlier this summer when I ate fresh rhubarb pie from Adam's brother/sister-in-law's garden and a bell went off — I need to get on this.

I did what I normally do with a new obsession (other than running) — acquire all the fancy equipment needed. A pie pan, silicon crust shield, rolling mat, drip pan, and cookbook — ordered. The pan arrived in pieces, ugh. (Also what the heck Amazon I could have killed myself)

I selected a book by Allison Kave that was highly rated on Amazon and included some cool recipes according to the index. I ended up buying another book by a woman from Seattle, Kate Lebo, entitled Pie School: Lessons in Fruit, Flour & Butter. It has: a) a seemingly more simple and better crust recipe with butter instead of Crisco, b) better rhubarb recipes, c) great photo directions of things like dough-rolling and lattice weaving.  

My first batch of crust dough is in the fridge as we speak awaiting a filling of blueberries from Nooksack, Washington and rhubarb from our landlady's garden. It won't be the same as my grandma's as it is my first pie and not my 100000th but I'm excited all the same.

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25 things I know to be true

Today I'm 25. I didn't know what 24, or 22, or 12 would be like, but for some reason 25 is coming with a bit of significance attached.

I don't think it has much to do with the number as it is the stage of life I seem to be entering — my friends are getting married, not just people I vaguely remember from high school, my vague classmates are getting divorced, everyone, everyone is having kids, houses are being bought, gardens are being planted.

While none of that stuff is happening for me right now, some good things, some bad things, and some so so things are happening. And after 25 years this is what I know so far:

1. It's fine to each cheesecake for dinner — no one cares — not even your mother (my mother probably does).

2. It's okay to get upset if you're not doing quite what you thought you would/should be doing at this point. This is something I have to remind myself almost daily — in all aspects of my life there's a whole lot of "should" going on, at least in my head, and it's an uphill battle to shoo those thoughts away. Are you fairly: happy, healthy, loved, adjusted, employed, and learning? You're probably doing just fine.

3. It's a little okay to hate your hair/body/clothes every now and then. At 25 there are days I really wish I'd followed through on my summer plan for every summer ages 10 - 16 to get in super great shape for the fall but then I remember all the lazy days watching ER reruns and I know why I didn't.

4. You can buy that motorcycle/bouncy castle/whatever. It's fine. Saving money can be surprisingly easy once you budget out your monthly goals and discover that you're spending about 3x as much on takeout as you thought.

5. Sometimes you quit being a vegetarian after a very long time because you've been having vivid dreams of eating a roast beef sandwich and you just want one, okay?

6. Going to the movies with a friend can turn out to be the highlight of your week and develop into one of the most rewarding, fulfilling relationships you've ever had. Love you, Wendy!

7. Finding your passions is really hard — or rather — picking which ones to pursue and which ones to gripe about not having time for to other people via social media is hard. I would love to be a Doula right now, am I one, absolutely not. Should I be one for my wellbeing as well as my community's wellbeing, probably!

8. It's fine to be a "crazy" "feminist" who points out when their boss is being sexist, argues with people about Hobby Lobby, and debates the benefits of Sweden's paternity leave policies. If not you, who?

9. Always keep learning. This is a big thing I learned from my 100 year old grandpa who took up doing Sudoku puzzles at about 95 — there's no time like the present to learn new things and expand your mind. If you never slow down neither will your brain.

10. It's okay to be unsure. It's okay to make a huge decision just to second guess it a minute later or a month later. Being an adult is super hard and being one that makes the best choices is impossible — cut yourself some slack already.

10. Sometimes you meet Cheryl Strayed, and her incredible husband Brian Lindstrom, and you just absolutely lose it. 

11. Sometimes you crash your scooter into the back of someone's car and it's a big mess. But then you have a scar like an ostrich's foot on your knee that fades from pink to white to almost non-existent and you kind of forget about it.

12. Making good food from scratch can be almost more fulfilling in process than in consumption. I've gained so much from struggling to learn things like: how to make a nice biscuit (buttermilk! cold butter!), how to roll pasta thin enough (#8 setting!), and how to avoid burning down my apartment.

13. Going to work can be really really awful. Mostly because you're tired, but sometimes because having a job isn't what you want and/or work is not the place to be.

14. Working really really hard will *hopefully* eventually pay off. I can't really tell you why I've kept my job as long as I have. I am now the longest standing full-time employee at my company other than the founders and I've only been there 3/17 years they've been in business. Anyway, it hasn't always been easy, it hasn't been fun, but in the end I've stuck it out and I am being rewarded for my hard work and my ability to stick with things (mostly because I'm really stubborn).

15. It's good to have friends to hang out with, it's even better to learn to enjoy being alone.

16. Sometimes you coerce a co-worker into going on an experimental photo shoot with you after work and that person really likes you but won't tell you for another year and then that same person ends up being your person. It's fun to have photos of that day now to show that Adam has kind of a smirk about him, like he has a plan, and I look out of my mind (typical).

17. Buy that $25 Nars lipstick, treat yo' self.

18. Keep reading. I can't believe how much time I wasted once I graduated high school not reading great books. I continue to mostly read garbage but nothing feels worse than not remembering the last book you read.

19. Binge watching tv is a-okay, that's what Saturdays are made for. Part of being an adult, I've found, is finding cheap, non-alcoholic ways to decompress. For me listening to heavy metal music while driving, walking around South Hill, or binge watching The West Wing until my eyes bleed are great ways to wash away the horrors of a bad day.

20. Sometimes you have super long hair and then chop all of it off. That's just fine. Don't let anyone tell you what your anything should look like, ever.

21. Whatever you'd rather be doing when you're spacing out at work or bored on a car trip or reading about the housing market — that's probably what you should be doing. For me that's being a midwife, but that turns out to be easier said than done.

22. It's okay to not always get what you want. From getting a hot dog when you really only wanted a polish sausage at Costco to not moving across the state because of your boyfriend, it's usually for the best. Unless it contradicts #25 too much...

23. Trying to keep up on everything and developing a case of FOMO, or whatever it's called, is stupid. Follow what you want to follow, pay attention to the ideas, news, people you want to and don't worry about the rest. While ignorance is certainly not bliss keeping up with all of your 800 Facebook friends isn't really worth the bother.

24. Enjoy your life now, today, because it's ever-fleeting.

25. At the end of the day, you've gotta do you.

Happy Birthday to me!

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my body, my problem

I love to shop — since I was a little kid I could stroll aisles, try on dresses and pants and tops for hours without making any purchases. When I was a kid I didn't have the money to buy the large majority of what I tried on, now I have a different problem — no one makes clothes that fit me.

In the U.S., where the average height of a woman is 5' 4 1/2" and weight is 164.7lbs, why do the popular dresses look like this right now?:

Forever 21 Bodycon Dress

Forever 21 Bodycon Dress

As someone who considers themselves fairly small, it's been astounding trying to find some new clothes at popular stores like Forever 21, H&M, and Macy's and coming up painfully empty-handed and bitter. Am I reaching for the stars here?

When there is a huge mainstream surge to eradicate negative body image (here, here, here), why can't I find clothes to cover my newly accepted body?

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I've had body issues my whole life, like anyone who grew up in the era of heroin chic and Kate Moss I've never been tall/skinny/blonde(hah!)/cool/tan/stylish enough. Somehow I've overcome that, in the era of — I'm too old to care — but now I face a different issue in that I can't seem to clothe my body.

My body that's lump and bumpy and pokes out and is too flat in places and too round in places and too fat in places. I'm not alone. I've had friends with beautiful round bellies and the flattest pancake asses, with large hips and small waists and large waists and small hips. With large breasts, small breasts, short necks, long necks, long legs, short legs.

It's not about an ideal size, it's not even about an ideal shape, it's about variety and knowing that cutting a dress the same for a size XS as an XL is probably not pertinent. It's knowing that people aren't shaped like apples, or pears, or hourglasses, they're shaped like humans.

When trying on the over 60 dresses I thought would be "just right" for me I encountered unforgiving waistlines, unrealistic lengths (hello I'm 5'4" this should cover my butt) too big busts, too small arm holes, wrong wrong wrong. Some of this is my belief that I really should be able to wear anything and rock it, and some of this is just nothing will fit me ever. But somehow, right now, I can't find anything to rock.

I know a few things:

1. I am half of the "average" women's dress size
2. I'm about average height
3. I love shopping and have shopped at numerous large stores/small stores/medium stores
4. I can't imagine how hard it is for most women who are taller/hippier/curvier/bustier than me to ever find anything to wear 
5. No one, and I repeat no one, would look good in this swimsuit bottom:

ModCloth

So here's an idea, before designing clothes for the models who look good in anything let's design some clothes for people like me, who would love to wear nice/hip/stylish/fancy clothes but can't FIT INTO ANYTHING. Take my money already H&M!

In the immortal words of Lena Dunham:
Maybe I don't care about being polite, okay? 'Cause it's Wednesday night, baby, and I'm alive

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the slow burn

Three tragic accidents, no redemption. 2015 is off to a crazy start for films.

photo from here

Bluebird, the first film of Lance Edmands, is a bleak account of a tragedy in an isolated town in Maine. In the end there are slivers of hope but nothing outright. Those involved in the accident try to get others to forgive to no avail. Like the harsh winter weather, no one will let up in this film.

photo from here

Foxcatcher has garnered much attention for its portrayal of the tragic death of Olympic wrestler Dave Schultz at the hands of crazed millionaire John du Pont. While some have argued that the end of the film rushed through seven years of history and training and Olympics before Schultz' murder the painstakingly slow pace (my boyfriend was not a fan of this film) made the abrupt close of the film all the more wild. Small moments — after the death of his mother du Pont freeing her prized horses from their barn — are worth the wait. The burn is slow but necessary.

photo from here

Last but certainly best was Leviathan. Director Andrey Zvyagintsev depicts life in the coastal Russian town of Pribrezhny. Kolya, a mechanic and handyman, is being forced out of the home he built for his family on the edge of town. The pillars of the main characters lives were exactly as I picture Russia full of vodka, corrupt politicians, harsh landscapes and people.

There is no redemption in this film, absolutely none. Corrupt politicians, old grudges, bad relationships, nothing is resolved or redeemed. We see a man lose absolutely everything for no reason other than greed of others.

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the good, the bad, and the ugly

from here

I think a lot about what it means to be an adult. Probably more than most people. When I was little I had a time where I couldn't sleep, I moved rooms or moved my bed or something trivial and I couldn't sleep for probably two days but it felt like an eternity. During that time I remember telling my friends I couldn't wait to be an adult so I could live in New York, the city that never sleeps.

Being an adult lately has been the worst, but also the best.

I'm going to reverse order the good, the bad, and the ugly to make things end on a positive note, mostly for me.

The Ugly:

I crashed my car last weekend. My car, which I inherited when I crashed my other car, is no more. I was driving home in the dark, cruising through back roads and bushes and and as soon as I hit civilization I crash into someone pulling a left right in front of me. It wasn't my fault, but as soon as we made impact I was screaming "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME, AGAINNNN".

I was mostly fine, a minor cervical strain/sprain on my left side from the wrenching impact of my body hurtling into the seat belt. My car was toast. Somehow all the brake lines were severed and when I went to move it I had to turn off the ignition to get it to stop — when the tow truck driver (who looked to be about 19 and was wearing both a gold chain necklace and a fluorescent striped tank top) went to move it I warned him about the brakes and he looked at me like I was stupid, and then had to do the same last-ditch maneuver to get it to stop. It was, in his words, "super janky".

My car is now sitting in a wrecking yard somewhere. One of my four insurance adjustors was supposed to tell me where, but he didn't, and he's incredibly difficult to get on the phone.

The whole process has been exhausting and annoying and stupid. Why should I have four insurance adjustors? Why should this take more than a week to get assessed and get some money to get me back on the road? I understand I'm not a top priority for anyone, but being without a vehicle when I've depended on having a car for independence and sanity for almost 10 years has really dampened my already low spirits. So, boo on that.


The Bad:

I've decided to wait a year to move to my farm.

Just writing that makes me want to cry.

I'm not moving for about 10000 reasons, most are personal, most are practical, but it's still heartbreaking.

Without a car it's going to be difficult to visit and work on the house but as soon as I'm back on my feet/wheels I plan to make visits every month or 6 weeks to continue to clean and organize and donate in anticipation that spring 2016 I can move in!

The overwhelming feeling right now is a combination of disappointment this isn't happening right now, as I had planned to move next weekend, and relief that I don't have to organize my life and transport it east without a vehicle.

The Good:

• I'm staying in Bellingham another year — bring on the Pickford, the sunsets, the rain, hopefully some births as a Doula, and summertime lake swims

• I met the person I'm excited to spend the next year/forever with

• I started an Instagram photo series called #southhillproject that's documenting the amazing houses of Bellingham's South Hill (check me out @emilytigerlilly)

• I'm cooking more, walking more, enjoying things a bit more than a year, six months, or even 6 weeks ago

• I'm making time to work on my family tree, scan old slides and photos from my grandparents, and write more

Things are weird but I really wouldn't have it any other way.