my body, my problem

I love to shop — since I was a little kid I could stroll aisles, try on dresses and pants and tops for hours without making any purchases. When I was a kid I didn't have the money to buy the large majority of what I tried on, now I have a different problem — no one makes clothes that fit me.

In the U.S., where the average height of a woman is 5' 4 1/2" and weight is 164.7lbs, why do the popular dresses look like this right now?:

Forever 21 Bodycon Dress

Forever 21 Bodycon Dress

As someone who considers themselves fairly small, it's been astounding trying to find some new clothes at popular stores like Forever 21, H&M, and Macy's and coming up painfully empty-handed and bitter. Am I reaching for the stars here?

When there is a huge mainstream surge to eradicate negative body image (here, here, here), why can't I find clothes to cover my newly accepted body?

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I've had body issues my whole life, like anyone who grew up in the era of heroin chic and Kate Moss I've never been tall/skinny/blonde(hah!)/cool/tan/stylish enough. Somehow I've overcome that, in the era of — I'm too old to care — but now I face a different issue in that I can't seem to clothe my body.

My body that's lump and bumpy and pokes out and is too flat in places and too round in places and too fat in places. I'm not alone. I've had friends with beautiful round bellies and the flattest pancake asses, with large hips and small waists and large waists and small hips. With large breasts, small breasts, short necks, long necks, long legs, short legs.

It's not about an ideal size, it's not even about an ideal shape, it's about variety and knowing that cutting a dress the same for a size XS as an XL is probably not pertinent. It's knowing that people aren't shaped like apples, or pears, or hourglasses, they're shaped like humans.

When trying on the over 60 dresses I thought would be "just right" for me I encountered unforgiving waistlines, unrealistic lengths (hello I'm 5'4" this should cover my butt) too big busts, too small arm holes, wrong wrong wrong. Some of this is my belief that I really should be able to wear anything and rock it, and some of this is just nothing will fit me ever. But somehow, right now, I can't find anything to rock.

I know a few things:

1. I am half of the "average" women's dress size
2. I'm about average height
3. I love shopping and have shopped at numerous large stores/small stores/medium stores
4. I can't imagine how hard it is for most women who are taller/hippier/curvier/bustier than me to ever find anything to wear 
5. No one, and I repeat no one, would look good in this swimsuit bottom:

ModCloth

So here's an idea, before designing clothes for the models who look good in anything let's design some clothes for people like me, who would love to wear nice/hip/stylish/fancy clothes but can't FIT INTO ANYTHING. Take my money already H&M!

In the immortal words of Lena Dunham:
Maybe I don't care about being polite, okay? 'Cause it's Wednesday night, baby, and I'm alive

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the slow burn

Three tragic accidents, no redemption. 2015 is off to a crazy start for films.

photo from here

Bluebird, the first film of Lance Edmands, is a bleak account of a tragedy in an isolated town in Maine. In the end there are slivers of hope but nothing outright. Those involved in the accident try to get others to forgive to no avail. Like the harsh winter weather, no one will let up in this film.

photo from here

Foxcatcher has garnered much attention for its portrayal of the tragic death of Olympic wrestler Dave Schultz at the hands of crazed millionaire John du Pont. While some have argued that the end of the film rushed through seven years of history and training and Olympics before Schultz' murder the painstakingly slow pace (my boyfriend was not a fan of this film) made the abrupt close of the film all the more wild. Small moments — after the death of his mother du Pont freeing her prized horses from their barn — are worth the wait. The burn is slow but necessary.

photo from here

Last but certainly best was Leviathan. Director Andrey Zvyagintsev depicts life in the coastal Russian town of Pribrezhny. Kolya, a mechanic and handyman, is being forced out of the home he built for his family on the edge of town. The pillars of the main characters lives were exactly as I picture Russia full of vodka, corrupt politicians, harsh landscapes and people.

There is no redemption in this film, absolutely none. Corrupt politicians, old grudges, bad relationships, nothing is resolved or redeemed. We see a man lose absolutely everything for no reason other than greed of others.

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the good, the bad, and the ugly

from here

I think a lot about what it means to be an adult. Probably more than most people. When I was little I had a time where I couldn't sleep, I moved rooms or moved my bed or something trivial and I couldn't sleep for probably two days but it felt like an eternity. During that time I remember telling my friends I couldn't wait to be an adult so I could live in New York, the city that never sleeps.

Being an adult lately has been the worst, but also the best.

I'm going to reverse order the good, the bad, and the ugly to make things end on a positive note, mostly for me.

The Ugly:

I crashed my car last weekend. My car, which I inherited when I crashed my other car, is no more. I was driving home in the dark, cruising through back roads and bushes and and as soon as I hit civilization I crash into someone pulling a left right in front of me. It wasn't my fault, but as soon as we made impact I was screaming "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME, AGAINNNN".

I was mostly fine, a minor cervical strain/sprain on my left side from the wrenching impact of my body hurtling into the seat belt. My car was toast. Somehow all the brake lines were severed and when I went to move it I had to turn off the ignition to get it to stop — when the tow truck driver (who looked to be about 19 and was wearing both a gold chain necklace and a fluorescent striped tank top) went to move it I warned him about the brakes and he looked at me like I was stupid, and then had to do the same last-ditch maneuver to get it to stop. It was, in his words, "super janky".

My car is now sitting in a wrecking yard somewhere. One of my four insurance adjustors was supposed to tell me where, but he didn't, and he's incredibly difficult to get on the phone.

The whole process has been exhausting and annoying and stupid. Why should I have four insurance adjustors? Why should this take more than a week to get assessed and get some money to get me back on the road? I understand I'm not a top priority for anyone, but being without a vehicle when I've depended on having a car for independence and sanity for almost 10 years has really dampened my already low spirits. So, boo on that.


The Bad:

I've decided to wait a year to move to my farm.

Just writing that makes me want to cry.

I'm not moving for about 10000 reasons, most are personal, most are practical, but it's still heartbreaking.

Without a car it's going to be difficult to visit and work on the house but as soon as I'm back on my feet/wheels I plan to make visits every month or 6 weeks to continue to clean and organize and donate in anticipation that spring 2016 I can move in!

The overwhelming feeling right now is a combination of disappointment this isn't happening right now, as I had planned to move next weekend, and relief that I don't have to organize my life and transport it east without a vehicle.

The Good:

• I'm staying in Bellingham another year — bring on the Pickford, the sunsets, the rain, hopefully some births as a Doula, and summertime lake swims

• I met the person I'm excited to spend the next year/forever with

• I started an Instagram photo series called #southhillproject that's documenting the amazing houses of Bellingham's South Hill (check me out @emilytigerlilly)

• I'm cooking more, walking more, enjoying things a bit more than a year, six months, or even 6 weeks ago

• I'm making time to work on my family tree, scan old slides and photos from my grandparents, and write more

Things are weird but I really wouldn't have it any other way.

top 10 films of 2014

Last year I put together my list of top 10 films of 2013 and I am here today to do the same for 2014!

If you've been tracking my blog or my life or me you know that my bff Wendy and I have been trying to see 50 films at the Pickford Film Center by January 1st. Unfortunately we didn't meet that goal but we saw a ton of movies all the same (check out our list here).

Without further adieu, the best of the best for 2014, note that they are not in any sort of order:

Boyhood

photo from here

I could write about Boyhood forever and ever and ever (mostly because it took forever to make and there's so much to say). I loved just about everything in this film. It's flawless. It represents childhood for some children in America, including a lot of things that I align with — some that I didn't as well. Ellar Coltrane is 20, the same age as my sister, and since this was shot from 2002 – 2013 I felt like I was growing up along with them. Everything from the music, to the wardrobe, to the current events encapsulates time in a way no other film has or probably ever again will.


Dallas Buyer's Club

photo from here

I wrote a bit about Dallas Buyer's Club here. This was such a strange strange comeback year for Matthew McConanghaheheyhey — from True Detective, to Dallas Buyer's Club, to The Wolf of Wall Street he's doing some serious work. Mmm hmmmm hmmmmm mmmmmm *chest bump with fist*.


Alien Boy: The Life and Death of James Chasse

photo from here

I wrote in depth about my thoughts on this film in this blog entry. What an amazing film. I hope this has a chance to come to Netflix or PBS so more can see it but get your hands on it however you can.


The Grand Budapest Hotel

photo from here

On a lighter note, this film is incredible. This is the most Wes Anderson of Wes Anderson movies ever made. The colors, the lighting, the sets, oh my god the sets. I can't get enough of Zero and Agatha and just everyone in this. Tilda Swinton! And Adrien Brody! And Willem Dafoe!


Obvious Child

photo from here

I talked about Obvious Child as well as the film below, on this blog entry: summer films. I still can't get over the significance of seeing this film on the day Burwell v. Hobby Lobby was announced. If you've watched my much yacked about favorite show Bob's Burgers you might be familiar with some of Jenny Slate's other work as the characters Tammy and she is also responsible for the work of genius that is Marcel In the Shell. See it, love it.


Ida

photo from here

Ida. Oh lord Ida. When I saw this in theaters I was surprised at how many people complained about the ending — spoiler alert, indie films don't always end the way you expect them to/how you want them to. Get over it. This film is so subtle and lovely and dark. The main actress is ethereal to her aunt's alcoholic mess of a life. This film is now available on Netflix.


Vi är bäst! aka We Are The Best!

photo from here

Story of my childhood! But in Swedish! Three girls struggle to find their identities, their boyfriends, their ideal hairstyle and most importantly their musical tastes. This is basically the story of my life from age 11 - present. This film is now available on Netflix.


Gone Girl

photo from here

Ugh this movie! I read the book, which now I kind of regret because the movie wasn't as suspenseful as it could have been.  I sat between my bff Wendy and an older lady who kept saying "OH GOD!" when something shocking happened. I was kind of tipsy and shouted things like "NOOO DOOGIE HOWSER!". But at the end of the day this was an incredible film and continues to prove that David Fincher can do no wrong. I also love that Fincher continues to use Trent Rznor and Atticus Ross for the soundtracks and that this film was produced almost entirely by WOMEN. GO FIGURE. This is also a great comeback film for Ben Affleck.


Tracks

photo from here

The true story of Robyn Davidson's trek across Australia in 1977. Mia Wasikowska was so good in this, I mean, she's great in everything (The Kids Are Alright, Jane Eyre, Only Lovers Left Alive, etc. etc.) but she was incredible in this. Really the breakout star of this is Adam Driver who has been in so much this year it's hard to remember (and Frances Ha notably last year). The adventure of this film is worth watching it alone, and the scenery is absolutely incredible. While I didn't feel like taming some camels and hitting the trail it, like so many other books and films, inspired me to continue to explore and adventure.


Birdman

photo from here

The final film worth mentioning this year, Alejandro González Iñárritu does it again with this film. If you're like, what is that crazy name, who is this person please recall the masterpieces: Amores perros, 21 Grams, Babel, and Biutiful. This film was a bit of a departure in that it was less depressing and more magical than his previous works (Biutiful is available on Netflix and is soul-crushingly amazing). Michael Keaton hasn't been in anything worthwhile mmm possibly ever/since Beetlejuice but this was incredible. Emma Stone, Zach Galifianakis, Edward Norton, Andrea Riseborough, Amy Ryan, and Naomi Watts KILL IT. Run don't walk to go see this before it's too late.


A few fun things to note: several of these films represent huge breakouts for stars like Ellar Coltrane, Jenny Slate, Tony Revolori, and the ladies of We Are The Best! they also represent some amazing roles for females and some comebacks for Matthew McConahahgheyhey, Ethan Hawke, Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton. What a year for film!

That's it for this year. Honorable mentions go out to: Nebraska (Netflix), The Pretty One, Finding Vivian Maier, Life Itself, Alive Inside (Netflix), Skeleton Twins, and Rich Hill.

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why #dothedoula ?

photo from here

What is a doula? From Doulas of North America (DONA) a doula is:

The word "doula" comes from the ancient Greek meaning "a woman who serves" and is now used to refer to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth; or who provides emotional and practical support during the postpartum period.

Studies have shown that when doulas attend birth, labors are shorter with fewer complications, babies are healthier and they breastfeed more easily.

I'm just a day away from completing my initial training as a doula at Bastyr University in Kenmore Washington. From there I will work towards achieving DONA certification and become a working doula.

Why do I want to be a doula? That's a little bit complicated.

**Warning, things are about to get real ranty**

I haven't always been outspoken, I remember being at Costco with my mom when I was probably 10ish and she wanted a mocha shake. She sent me to the concessions to make the purchase and when I got to the front of the line they were out of mocha shakes and then asked if a fruit shake with chocolate blended in would suffice. Thinking — wow, that sounds disgusting — didn't stop me from saying "uhh sure" because I was too bashful and shy and awkward to say "uhhh gross, no".

When I was in college I discovered The Business of Being Born, a documentary by Ricki Lake of all people primarily focused on natural birth and the state of the birth "industry" in the United States. I was, to put it lightly, appalled at the endless cycle of unnecessary interventions, needless c-sections, and in the end traumatic births taking place because they are most easily regulated, "safe", and speedy for the doctor and hospital. What-the-heck I thought, I need to change this.

I started small, spreading the word through my friend group about movies like The Business of Being Born, and books like Spiritual Midwifery by one of my now idols, Ina May Gaskin. I drug a helpless friend along to see Birth Story: Ina May Gaskin & The Farm Midwives which includes a pretty gnarly breech-birth video.

I also started reading, reading about birth but also studying things like c-section rates in the U.S. vs. other nations, the rate of VBACs in the U.S., infant and maternal mortality rates. I took anthropology courses that included sections on birth and asked many a question about home births, hospital births and everything in between.

It wasn't until I decided I really wanted to be a midwife myself that I had to sort out my feelings about birth and life and death. I decided, then at 23 and now at 24, I'm too young and inexperienced to become a midwife. I haven't actually seen a birth yet, I might hate it, and becoming a midwife is rather involved as one might imagine and not really worth doing and then quickly abandoning.

It was with those, what I consider to be quite mature realizations, that I decided to become a birth doula for a while, test the waters (birth-tub waters, as it were). I am going to witness birth in all forms, from natural home births to hospital births with doctors and epidurals and catheters. I will see all the fun that comes with operating under the roof of western medicine that treats the birthing process as scary and unpredictable and takes all measures to medicate those unknowns out of it.

Will I like it when my clients are told they should really consent to pitocin or else, or that they really need to have their amniotic sacs broken, or they should should should circumcise their newborn sons — I surely will not. Will I help them to gain a voice, stand up for what they want, ask questions, and be skeptical, I surely will.

For a myriad of reasons I have become probably a worse-case scenario patient for my doctor, eye doctor, dentist, etc. I do not take suggestions at face-value, I do not consent without proper information. When my doctor told me a treatment for my persistent hiccups would be low doses of anti-seizure, anti-psychotics, or anti-depression meds I said — but why, they're hiccups.

In college when the student health center refused to acknowledge a study regarding frequency for Pap tests in women my age published by the United States Preventive Services Task Force and jointly by the American Cancer Society, the American Society for Colposcopy and Cervical Pathology, and the American Society for Clinical Pathology I flipped out. I was told "we'd rather over-Pap you" and I wrote a scathing review of the information I was being given vs. what the study had revealed and sent it to the staff of the health center. My next visit went a little better.

Being a doula, for me, is all about giving women information and options. It's not really informed consent if the information being given isn't thorough, well researched, and true. It's giving clients the voice that I didn't have until I was 22 and had all sorts of dentists and doctors treat me in ways I didn't like or didn't think was necessary. I'm excited to share both my enthusiasm for birth as well as my enthusiasm for being a woman — what an amazing gift to help others express themselves, their choices, their wishes, and their feelings during one of the most transformative times in life.

#dothedoula

sense of self

From a fairly early age I think I've had a pretty decent grasp of who I am. When people made fun of my blue hair or my clothes or my brain I was hurt, of course, but in the end I didn't really care because I knew who I was. I've a hard time post-college, and even towards the end of college itself, making friends and keeping them. I felt like people didn't really understand me or my life choices so it was difficult to keep them around for long.

When I moved into my 1-bedroom apartment after I graduated college I kind of knew it would limit my social interactions, I just didn't realize how much at the time. Even living with people I didn't really know, as I did for 2 years of college, I saw people everyday that I didn't work with. Now I see people at work, and a few close friends I cherish dearly once a week or so, and that's pretty much it.

Enter, the Pacific Northwest Riders forum. A group of motorcyclists in Washington state, with specific boards in Bellingham dedicated to bikes and rides and people.

I posted a few questions and items to kind of test the waters before I decided to join in on one of their weekly meet-ups. I was incredibly apprehensive about going and at the last minute drug my neighbor, who also rides, along with me. Surprise, people were super nice! Being that I was one of two women at the meet-up of about 10 people (me pictured far right, by the other girl, and the minion) I was nervous but everyone was excited, it seemed, that I was there.

After burgers we went on a ride down Chuckanut Drive where I did my best to not spazz out and kill everyone else. We participated in the photo tag thread of the forum and got a photo by the last place posted and then took photos for our own tag once we got back to Bellingham.  (me on far right again).

It was awesome to be around other bikers but mostly it was nice to be around some other people. I find myself repeating the same work - home - tv - dinner - sleep - work - home - tv - dinner - sleep cycle forever without really interacting with new and interesting people very often. I don't talk to the checker in the grocery store, I don't make smalltalk with other customers at the coffee shop, I don't get out there.

I'm hopeful this group of people will help me break out and make some new friends. And maybe even someone to help me hold my bike up so I can lube my chain, you never know!

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Adventure is out there!

I am back from my whirlwind, motorcycling adventure! I woke up this morning and immediately wanted to get on my bike and ride. For four mornings in a row I got up, got ready, and headed out with my dad for the day's adventure.

We traveled from my apartment in Bellingham, WA to Princeton, BC, then to Kamloops the second day, Pemberton the third and back home on the fourth day.

I wasn't nervous until the last second (per usual) before we left and then I was petrified, why you ask, because I had to get on the freeway for the first time to begin our trip. UGH.

Before I get into trip specifics a word on what I packed: lots of socks, extra shoes (never wore), extra pants (didn't wear), lots of Mojo pretzel & peanut butter bars (ate a few), layers layers layers (wore all of them, all the time. I packed a sweater to wear, and on my bike I was wearing: t-shirt, sweatshirt, a jacket-liner that broke the wind, and my leather jacket, I wore thick tights under my jeans with socks and boots. I also wore a neck warmer thing, earplugs, sunglasses or my glasses, and my helmet. Lots of stuff but it kept me warm (mostly, more on that in a minute). I also brought my 2 liter Platypus bag aka my Platy and some lemon/lime Mio stuff to put in the horrible tasting Canadian water.

We also packed out minions in our tank bags! Dad had a small version of Stuart and I had a poofy version of Dave. They didn't stay under the plastic because that would be cruel but they were fun travel companions and you will see more of them in a minute!

When we left my main issues on my bike were cornering and downshifting. To get on/off the freeway successfully you have to turn a sharp left and then speed up quickly and enter traffic. Then to exit you obviously have to slow down which on a bike means downshifting quickly in order to stop. Let's just say that part didn't go so hot. I didn't crash but I hadn't quite mastered the art of giving the bike a little blip of gas right before I shifted down.

Once we got through the border, without so much as taking off our full-face helmets, we started making our way to Princeton. We were on highways most of the day and go up to so crazy high elevations above some bodies of water and valleys. We made a small detour to Harrison Hot Springs where my friend Wendy and I spent a wonderful weekend last year. I even took a photo in the same place I had Wendy take my photo a year ago!

I can't remember much of the rest of the ride because I was busy trying not to freeze to death. Temperatures dipped down to 50º which if you've ever ridden a bike with no windshield going 120km/p (~75mph) you know that's really really cold. I was wearing just about everything I brought with me including my stupid thicker gloves that made my hands feel like I had oven mitts on them.

We arrived in Princeton and I thawed myself by a space heater in our strange little motel room. We had a great Greek dinner and I got in some quality trash TV time after dinner. 

The next day we took Dave and Stuart out for a nice breakfast at a great bakery in Princeton before heading out for the day.

My biggest annoyance on the trip was the lack of rest stops. Apparently Canadians don't believe in rest stops or pull outs or anywhere to stop and drink water and stretch my crab-claw hands. I had to stop way more than my dad probably would have liked but too bad, it was nice to get out and stretch and take some photos and drink some water. We also averaged about 200 miles or less a day so there was no reason to be in a huge hustle.

Once we arrived in Kamloops we made our way to a large waterfront park filled with kids and water-fowl. Including our lunchtime pals these ducks. I needed some time to relax and decompress as the temperature had risen significantly and we had maneuvered through some busier streets than I had expected.

Kamloops was surprisingly beautiful and the view from our hotel was pretty epic. We had a beer and took a nap and went out for some amazing ramen at Tiger Ramen  and then slept some more.

The next day was our most incredible leg, en route to Pemberton BC which is close to Whistler. Lots of high mountain roads winding through the hills. I kept up with everything fairly well and even went through some gravel (AHHHH!!) and narrow one-lane bridges.

We also finally got a photo with the two of us 

in it thanks to some nice German tourists!

We had dinner in Pemberton (we stayed a little bit outside of the main town) and then went to a small recreation center to eat a killer espresso brownie and watch a water show courtesy of the kids fountains and jets that I had to turn on, because why not. The views were nothing to sneeze at:

oh! I brought my Kindle, Agnes, and read a lot of Harry Potter.

The last day we had breakfast at another cool bakery, this time in Pemberton, and made our way towards Whistler. Unfortunately the entire highway between Whistler and Vancouver was reduced speeds and lanes due to a ginormous, distracting, slow bicycle race. Why someone would want to ride a bicycle from Vancouver to Whistler I may never know. 

We ended up stopping a fair amount because I had a hard time focusing on all the SPEED UP slow way down STOP watch out for people and cones and bicycles and people running around everywhere.

Once we made it through all the Whistler shenanigans we wanted to stop for lunch so dad exited in West Vancouver (hey dad, I figured out where we were!) and unbeknownst to him dropped us off at the biggest hill I've ever seen in my life and immediately put my stomach in my throat. Hills, on a motorcycle, no thank you. I don't like heights and as mentioned before shifting down wasn't my strong suit at the beginning of the trip — luckily for me I had gotten a lot better and while I was about to die the whole time I made it down the hills without much trouble. This Google Map photo does not do it justice but just imagine that going to the bay is STRAIGHT DOWN.

We got back to Bellingham early Saturday afternoon after an exhausting day. It ended up being about 89º on our way back which was much warmer than I have ever ridden in and was disgusting. Waiting in line at the border, idling and moving really slowly was no fun but we made it back in with little fanfare and after a brief sojourn to Blaine to get lost we made it back to my apartment and better tasting water.

I learned so much on this trip I don't even know where to begin. I was thrilled each day to gear up and get going and spending that time with my dad was incredible. I am forever thankful for all his help, guidance, encouragement, and navigational skills.

Now I have 4 days off the beginning of October and want to begin planning my next adventure!