the good, the bad, and the ugly

from here

I think a lot about what it means to be an adult. Probably more than most people. When I was little I had a time where I couldn't sleep, I moved rooms or moved my bed or something trivial and I couldn't sleep for probably two days but it felt like an eternity. During that time I remember telling my friends I couldn't wait to be an adult so I could live in New York, the city that never sleeps.

Being an adult lately has been the worst, but also the best.

I'm going to reverse order the good, the bad, and the ugly to make things end on a positive note, mostly for me.

The Ugly:

I crashed my car last weekend. My car, which I inherited when I crashed my other car, is no more. I was driving home in the dark, cruising through back roads and bushes and and as soon as I hit civilization I crash into someone pulling a left right in front of me. It wasn't my fault, but as soon as we made impact I was screaming "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME, AGAINNNN".

I was mostly fine, a minor cervical strain/sprain on my left side from the wrenching impact of my body hurtling into the seat belt. My car was toast. Somehow all the brake lines were severed and when I went to move it I had to turn off the ignition to get it to stop — when the tow truck driver (who looked to be about 19 and was wearing both a gold chain necklace and a fluorescent striped tank top) went to move it I warned him about the brakes and he looked at me like I was stupid, and then had to do the same last-ditch maneuver to get it to stop. It was, in his words, "super janky".

My car is now sitting in a wrecking yard somewhere. One of my four insurance adjustors was supposed to tell me where, but he didn't, and he's incredibly difficult to get on the phone.

The whole process has been exhausting and annoying and stupid. Why should I have four insurance adjustors? Why should this take more than a week to get assessed and get some money to get me back on the road? I understand I'm not a top priority for anyone, but being without a vehicle when I've depended on having a car for independence and sanity for almost 10 years has really dampened my already low spirits. So, boo on that.


The Bad:

I've decided to wait a year to move to my farm.

Just writing that makes me want to cry.

I'm not moving for about 10000 reasons, most are personal, most are practical, but it's still heartbreaking.

Without a car it's going to be difficult to visit and work on the house but as soon as I'm back on my feet/wheels I plan to make visits every month or 6 weeks to continue to clean and organize and donate in anticipation that spring 2016 I can move in!

The overwhelming feeling right now is a combination of disappointment this isn't happening right now, as I had planned to move next weekend, and relief that I don't have to organize my life and transport it east without a vehicle.

The Good:

• I'm staying in Bellingham another year — bring on the Pickford, the sunsets, the rain, hopefully some births as a Doula, and summertime lake swims

• I met the person I'm excited to spend the next year/forever with

• I started an Instagram photo series called #southhillproject that's documenting the amazing houses of Bellingham's South Hill (check me out @emilytigerlilly)

• I'm cooking more, walking more, enjoying things a bit more than a year, six months, or even 6 weeks ago

• I'm making time to work on my family tree, scan old slides and photos from my grandparents, and write more

Things are weird but I really wouldn't have it any other way.

onwards and upwards

I took this picture at a concert I attended recently in Seattle. The concert was a spur of the moment decision, I looked to see if one of my favorite bands, Gojira, was touring and what do you know they were playing a show in Seattle 3 days later.

I live a fairly consistent and predictable life, and to say that deciding on a Friday to see a concert 100 miles away on a Monday without knowing anyone else going is a strange occurrence would be a rather large understatement.

I ended up going with two other people which was lovely, as I was driving each way and needed the company to keep me awake. But while at the concert I was more or less by myself.

I moshed. I screamed until my lungs burned — filling with the acrid sweat and smoke of others. I was, for the first time in a long time my most comfortable in my skin.

In middle school and high school I basically did whatever I wanted. I went to wild metal concerts. I took pictures of Canadian black metal bands (see below) and ran with a pretty group of little freaks just like me. But I got good grades, I was a yearbook editor, I had a job, I actually had 3 jobs for a while. Then I graduated, moved 400 miles away to attend college and things changed for the better and the worse.

I graduated college 2 years ago now (where did that time go, seriously?) and have stuck around the same town since.

I've found some great friends but not like the ones I've grown up with. Before I relied on friends to guide me to do crazy, bold things because they were all doing crazy bold things with their lives. They moved to far away lands, like me, and started their own crazy adventures.

Recently I decided to regain some control over my crazy destiny and have some adventures.

1. This summer I will be taking motorcycle safety courses so I can finally get a motorcycle of my own.
2. I'm turning in my application to become a Hospice volunteer. I've thought about this for over a year and now I'm making it so, I want to help others in one of the most difficult of times in life and hopefully ease their transition to bigger things. I want to help families and individuals with anything necessary to make passing easier whether that's cooking a meal, doing laundry or just sitting with someone. I hope, selfishly, to make some friends and hear some amazing stories but my #1 priority is to give with no expectation of receiving anything back.
3. This fall I will, hopefully, be attending Bastyr University to become a certified birth Doula. This is another of my dreams and I'm determinded to make it a reality this year.

I turn 24 a week from tomorrow and while I had no idea where I was going to be in my life at 24 I'm happy with the direction things are headed now. I'm glad I'm pushing myself to make crazy-huge life decisions and goals all by myself without anyone around to tell me what to do.

To close, here's a music video from my new obsession Iggy Azalea who is 4 days younger than me!

11 things about being an adult

When I was little all I wanted was to be a "grown up". I wanted to drive a car, I wanted to buy my own stuff, I wanted to watch whatever I wanted to watch when I wanted to watch it, etc. If only I had known then that adulthood isn't what it's cracked up to be at times — sure it's great, but it comes with a lot of crap I didn't realize and still hate about being an adult.

Here's my list of the 11 things I wish I would have known to prepare for as a young person about being a real-life adult type. And by that I mean someone who lives independently, completely supports themselves and otherwise does not have a mom to do their laundry.

1. Figuring out some adult things can be really difficult/scary – let me be specific: renting an apartment, obtaining a line of credit, finding a dentist/doctor/eye doctor/allergist can be really tedious. If you're anything like me your mother/guardian/whoever made your orthodontist appointments for you growing up. They had to pick you up and drive you to and fro and excuse you from school so it was really more important to be on their schedule than your own. As an adult you have to find time to work (so you can have insurance) as well as spend countless hours stressing out about who will best understand your medical history or your allergies to all dental numbing medications (true story, it sucks). When I rented my current apartment I had to apply ($50 fee), wait to be approved, then pay my damage deposit, a processing fee (FEES!! ACK!), and my first month's rent in CASH! How do I do that! I work for cheap!

2. Money SUCKS – Budgeting is the worst. Realizing you don't have enough money to go anywhere during the vacation time you have to take because you're incapable of budgeting is worse. Figuring out how you can afford new glasses, food, rent, and tickets to Sasquatch is beyond comprehension (hint – you cannot). 

3. Keep tabs on important stuff is hard – I don't know about you, but when my mother was in possession of my Passport I felt a little safer. When you turn 18 you don't automatically gain super powers to keep track of important items better than your other ones. The key is to remember things are important (W2s, Passports, Social Security Cards, etc.) and pick a place to store them. Or get a safety deposit box and let someone else deal with it.

4. Once you're out of school vacations and time off is limited, and lame – As aforementioned it's not totally out of the question to have vacation time you must take and nothing to do. In school it was lovely to think about summer vacation and doing nothing for weeks on end but somehow as an adult it's really pathetic. Take my advice and start saving so when you do have the rare holiday or week off you can do something amazing.

5. Paying bills is sketchy – Credit scores? US Postal Service? Cheques? What? Paying rent, bills, etc. can be odd and annoying. I, for instance, was never taught to balance a checkbook so I spend my time wondering what all the weird charges are on my debit card. I'm not alone, and as far as I know I'm not in a crazy minority of people who don't realize where their money is going but in general cutting checks isn't fun, having people/companies lose your money/double bill you/forget to deposit your check is awful.

6. Food is a real hassle – Who knew eating three times a day could be such a pain? I don't remember meals as a child always being spectacular but at 6:00 every night I was presented with some starch, meat, and vegetables. Who makes that now? OH WAIT ME. Enter: eating fancy versions of top ramen (egg drop anyone!), mashed potatoes, and lots of salads for the rest of your sad life. What's worse, if you're single and/or poor it sucks even more – double suck! 

7. Traveling can be a challenge – Are you between the ages of 18 and 25? If so you are an adult but cannot rent a car! If you desire to travel as an adult but you aren't yet old enough to rent a vehicle you're screwed unless you: 1) bring a nice, old lady friend with you (that's all I really have), 2) bring a parent, 3) date old people who can rent whatever they want (ZING!).

8. Working full-time is soul stealing – Sure the paycheck at the end of a 160 hour work month is nice, but really it's depressing to wake up and realize you spend almost 20 years in school just to continue to wake up before you naturally would, put on clothes you wouldn't normally wear, and go suck up to DA MAN. Just kidding, it's not that bad. Find a job that suits your desires and/or one that isn't a big deal and pays decently and move on.

9. Maintenance – Stuff breaks, you have to pay to fix it. My car, for instance, decided to have all sorts of things I've never even heard of fall off of it (cv boots? what are this?) costing me a literal month's salary to fix. Booooo on that.

10. Responsibility on the brain – 21! Woo! Drinking alcohols! Wait — how will I get home? If I take a cab how will I get my car back tomorrow? Will I be towed? Should I actually be drinking tonight? Never mind, guess I'll go home and watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets yet again. This conversation has happened countless times in my head when making a decision about my evening plans. Sure I go out, but I'm careful about where I go/what I do because in the end if I get in trouble for drinking and driving or peeing in an alley or whatever it's on me, I'm 23 not 13 and no one is responsible for my actions but me.

11. Not enough time! – Mostly as an adult there isn't enough time to do all the amazing adult things you want to do. Being a kid was cool but options were limited to what you could independently afford from sidewalk shoveling and hamster-sitting or what your parents would fund. Now options are far more broad but deciding what to do can be difficult. Being an adult actually rocks most of the time, like right now when I'm writing this in my pajamas because I can work from home at my job and watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and drinking delicious tea (caffeine after 5pm!). I'm planning vacations, deciding if I prefer to stick with flannel or cotton sheets (hahahahahaha cotton yea right) and generally doing what I want when I want to do it.

on wanderlust

Yesterday I started two savings accounts, at last, one for something huge – a house or car or elephant and one for travel.

Since graduating college I haven't traveled much. And by much I mean, at all. Most of this is due to a combination of living paycheck to meager paycheck and being a total shut-in unwilling to consider the possibility that there may be more exciting things out there for me.

But! That has all changed! My current plan is to travel, solo, to San Francisco this spring, perhaps for my historic 24th birthday. And then in the fall or next spring to Berlin. The more I learn about Berlin the more I think it's the place I need to be. Cold, full of hipster youths and beer, and people angry about the hipster youths inundating their neighborhoods and hiking up rents. Need I say more?

I'm young, 23, and have no one and nothing besides a ridiculously long lease tying me down to the city I live in. And I like it here. I like the long summers and three lakes ready to be swim/swam/swum in and the independent theater and tiny restaurants and bars. I do, however, feel like I see the same four people over and over and over again. When I buy overpriced local organic produce at the co-op to camouflage just wanting to eat their amazing tiramisu, when I walk to get my daily caffeine fix, when I shuffle into a crowded bar on the weekend before a matinee or to a shop to buy a $9 pizza and beer combo (I know, what?) I see the same people. I've lived here almost 6 years and I have ants in my pants. This is the town for university students, their overgrown man-child boyfriends and people working at dentist's offices, grocery stores, and organic salons to support said university students.

Time to think about my next move, both literally and figuratively. While I'm young you guys, while I'm young.